Why I Don't Feel 40 (^^,)

‼️CAUTION: LONG READ‼️

I started working quite early in my life. At the age of 8, I was already in the studio getting paid. By the age of 17, I was a Head DJ, at 21 I was managing the Music and Programming Department at a radio station. I was aware of my age but I felt neither like a child nor an adult. This is not to be confused with being immature. Maturity is something deeper and richer. Though youthful, I have always been described as  "an old soul."

The me you see today has been 40 years in the making. That sounds crazy to me. As far as I'm concerned, this could be listed among those kinds of facts that sound false but are 100% true. As my 40th Birthday is now only a countdown away, I decided to do some introspection in a bid to understand why I don't "feel" 40.

I was 28 when my Dad passed away. Before then, everything felt distinct. Until then I was well aware of my age.  But the past decade has been somewhat of a blur. Like one long year with an odd mix of crises. Most of the experiences of the past decade have been difficult to process because they were marked by fear and overwhelm and flew by so quickly that I almost did not notice the beautiful moments in them. My cognitive faculties took quite a beating and as a result, my memories are neither clear nor complete.

When I turned 30, I still felt blindsided; which may have perhaps influenced a lot of my decisions at the time. Like registering my own company for instance. It turns out it wasn't as scary as I had always thought it would be. The earth did not move, the ground did not shake. There's something about being (note I said being not feeling) brave enough to face a fear because of an even bigger fear.

Concurrently my brother was going through a thing. He had a full on meltdown and became manic. It was terrifying. The world seemed to have stood still. We were like a shipwrecked crew stranded on an island without their Captain. Our recently bereaved family really struggled to cope with my brother's frightening anger and hallucinating episodes. After the loss of her father, her hero, my sister was also drowning in her own relational and physical battles.

Consequently, my mom became my best friend. Up until this point I would say that Dad had been our mutual best friend.  An extraordinarily human being, he was. For about six months I was frozen in place; not moving and seemingly not reacting; while my mind was going a mile a minute. And no matter how hard I tried to cry (because I knew it was important), I just could not bring myself to allow that dam to break. It was as if my inner strength took over to help keep me from showing everyone how I really felt, but, was it for their sake or my own? I'll never really know. I was just .....dazed. If you're wondering, my inability to cry actually only made things worse. It's like not being aware that one of your limbs is on fire or has been severed off...

At 31 I got married to someone I had always known I was meant to be with from the moment we met. I would argue that this was probably the first time that I actually became aware of my adulthood. Too many people in the community that I relocated to would only address me as "Mrs". I was not used to that. It took a while for it to sink in.

I had my first baby right after turning 33 and just before I got to 34, I had to donate part of my liver in order to save his life. That was pretty grown up stuff! I felt so completely drained. I hadn’t had a decent night’s sleep in months. Although quite honestly just felt like a little girl going through a big thing.  My brain seemed to have shut down as a protective response. There is a lot I struggle to remember from this time. I remember the what's, some of the where's but unfortunately not enough of the who's. I'm sorry...

Going through something like that really put things in perspective for me. It made me focus on what really matters. I became a full time mom. I always say that I'm "part time everything else."  I do not feel like I "gave up" anything for my kids. Like my father always said, "For my children I will go the extra mile; they did not ask to be here."  When each of them arrived, I let go of any illusion that life could have been any different.

After the transplant, we were told to keep our son isolated; which many interpreted their own way. Isolation is too foreign a concept in our culture. It was very difficult to navigate. Many relationships were bruised, some were lost, others simply opted out. I was constantly plagued by the possibility that our lives would never be “normal” again. I'm grateful for relationships that eventually healed, those that have evolved and for the few that stood the test . The unforgettable COVID lockdown seemed to effect some understanding of the complexity of our situation. Up until then our little family had been the only one that wore masks everywhere. I'm grateful for the friends and family who probably didn't (and likely still don't) get it but choose to extend Jesus-like grace anyway ❤️.

It wasn't always severely testing; there have also been many positives in the past decade. A thousand little miracles, if you like. This decade taught me to be GRATEFUL; to not take my life or the people in it for granted. In this decade I became a wife and a mother. By God's grace I grew into it. I'm grateful for my husband and our two children. I also learned that trying times are in fact not the times to stop trying. I have become more creative and more resilient. And God has come through every. single.  time. All I have become I credit to the unmerited grace of God. In this decade I got to visit India, four times, and got a taste of a different culture. An experience I can't possibly forget.

In this decade I have written hundreds of articles for which I had to do a lot of research, interview people, watch a lot of TedTalks and listen to the news (although hosting music shows on radio also required me to be a news anchor, I was never really interested in matters of public interest the way that I am now). Indisputably my knowledge database has expanded. I almost forgot (LOL) that somewhere in there I wrote Keep Moving Forward (Overcoming Fear & Depression) and its follow-up Two Are Better Than One (The Ministry of Presence). I also released a few singles.

Let me conclude by pointing out how there seem to be a lot of messages of doom and gloom about being middle aged. I'm no stranger to food supplements 😆. I have had my share of aches, pains, and forgetfulness! (both trauma and sleep deprivation will do that to you regardless of age) so I don't feel particularly as threatened as some midlife crisis salespersons have tried to convince me to be! Thanks for the heads up anyway?

I went through a crisis when I was much younger, partly, I'm told, because I am one of those people who "peaked too soon."    Besides, I've got some great examples of women in my life who inspire me daily, and show me that being 40+ is actually pretty great 😊!

Someone said that growth isn't always about money or status. Sometimes the best growth is in the way you think and feel. This decade has been COMPLICATED but DEEPLY MEANINGFUL. Here's hoping the new one will get me better; at just BEING. Being still, being present, being intentionally a better wife, a better mother, a better daughter, a better sister and a better friend.

I love words so if you're going to wish me a Happy Birthday on the 17th, I challenge you to come up with something a little more original than "welcome to the fourth floor"  or "life begins at 40" or "Cheers to 40 years." 😅