HOW TO FACE A GIANT

Dear Fellow Ruminator, When you hear the word Ruminator it sounds like a superhero about to unleash a world of hurt on the enemy with some ruminating superpowers, doesn't it? But all that being a ruminator really is is super overpowering. Hi, thanks for showing up. While I have your attention, give me a read, would you? On this day 3 years ago, I woke up with a kind of peace that now surpasses my understanding. A peace that comes from total surrender to the fearful unknown. The peace that comes from surrendering, not to the circumstances nor the unfolding events before me at the time, but to a Power infinitely more powerful, more in control, than I. Everything seemed to submit to this peace; the confusion, the pain, the uncertainty. This story isn't so much about me as it is about our 8 month old son Terry, now almost 4 years old but this was the morning he would have his new liver, after I'd had mine partially removed. The peace that I felt on this particular morning was unlike the night before, when I could barely take a breath. When I stopped struggling I began to float. The thing about struggling is that it only gives you the illusion that you are in control when in fact it only makes you sink (faster). It is the same with the troubles of falling or staying asleep. The harder you consciously try, the more awake your mind becomes and the more frustrated you become. Fear causes forgetfulness, where we forget that we've been here before; in a different scene, different props, but the same struggle. We forget that we made it through and that is why we are here today. I read somewhere that we must train ourselves to let go of everything we fear to lose. This is very hard to do. Fears of losing a loved one for example are much harder than say fears of losing your hair. What good is it really though, to fight forces beyond our control? Someone wrote that humans have a deep seated desire for control. Uncertainty is unsettling. But sometimes it is much more painful to hold on than it is to let go. Loosening your grip on something dreadful, deep, and painful liberates you from its power. But of course we each unknowingly have the desire to control the outcome of our circumstances and those in higher need for control do tend to suffer more. Very few of us would agree that uncertainty is considered one of the "spices of life", so why do we hate spoilers so much? Imagine if we always always knew what would happen next. Would that make us happier? Like watching a movie for the very first time yet knowing exactly what was going to happen next. Yes we would probably dial uncertainty down to a zero if we could...or would we? We are better off it seems, learning to embrace the good, the bad and the ugly that uncertainty is. March 13 2018 around 9am Indian local time, I was wheeled into the operating theatre to face my giant. Why am I writing this blog today? Because I needed to remind you as well as myself about the power of surrender. Surrender does not signify weakness, as fear would like us to believe. Surrender is not pretending our Goliaths aren't real or standing right in front of us, no. To surrender is to give up the vague idea (where confidence is placed or do I say misplaced in the belief) that we can make the reality different from what it is. To surrender is to willingly trust-fall into the arms of and, submit your will & life to the care of God, the Highest Power. Whatever unsurmountable challenge you have come face to face with, remember you are not The One in Ultimate control. Surrender; that's your superpower. Healing and blessings, Nicole